If Sharks Could Vape

If Sharks Could Vape

Look, we know that sharks can’t inhale. Refilling a tank without opposable thumbs is tricky. And don’t get us started on pouring e-liquid underwater.

The fact is, sharks can’t vape. Many of them attack humans out of sheer jealousy over that fact. (There’s as much snark in this post as there is shark, so just go with it.)

But wouldn’t it be cool if sharks could vape?

With Shark Week fast approaching, we thought we’d chum the waters with some educated guesses on which e-juices they’d enjoy most.

Great White

Great whites would definitely go for something with a lot of bite. The eyewatering menthol flavor of SubZero, strong enough to take a chunk out of a surfboard and its rider, would be top choice. It goes right for the throat and doesn’t let go. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into menthols!

1st runner up: Pirate’s Creed, because great whites already love the taste of pirates.

2nd runner up: Freedom Juice, because a life roaming the oceans without fear tastes like freedom.

Hammerhead

Hammerheads would definitely go for something that hits hard. Torque 56‘s in-your-face, unfiltered tobacco is the obvious choice. It’s got a throat hit that’d knock even a crusty old sailor like Captain Quint overboard. Yup, these tools with fins would absolutely work themselves into a frenzy over this one.

Bull Shark

If you mess with the bull shark, you get the horns. And by that we mean 50 rows of sharp, serrated teeth. When this fearsome fish isn’t busy savoring the taste of unlucky swimmers (“just like chicken”), we imagine the fire-cured tobacco flavor of LongHorn would reel it in.

Blue Shark

Lured by the distinctive blue bottles, blue sharks would voraciously devour Halo e-liquids so fast that they probably wouldn’t know what they were vaping. If they stopped to taste it, however, our bet is that these deep swimmers would be drawn to the deep, dark flavor of Belgian Cocoa.

Tiger Shark

A tiger shark can’t change its stripes, but it can and does change its appetite frequently, eating the widest variety of birds and seafood of any shark. It’s hard to pin down one flavor for this night hunter, so we imagine it would enjoy mixing things up with selections from the full Halo e-liquid line.

Carpenter Shark (aka Sawfish)

The sawfish, another sea-bound star of evolution’s toolkit, looks like it has a chainsaw blade coming out of its face. In school, it got tired of always being teased with “Why the long face?” Despite being a bottom-feeder (and not actually a shark but a shark-like ray), the sawfish always swims for the top. Tribeca’s the one.

Nurse Shark

Nurse sharks aren’t normally aggressive. You may actually find their presence reassuring, knowing you’re probably going to make it out of the water in one piece. Malibu’s piña colada flavor is just what the doctor ordered for these generally calm, slow-swimming fish.

Basking Shark

Basking sharks are the big mouths of the ocean. Mouths always open, but nothing to say. When they open wide, they look like a cargo plane waiting to be loaded, and nearly as big. Scary stuff. With no plankton-flavored e-liquid choices, these docile giants would probably prefer something with big flavor, such as the cigar-like Cordoba, vaped in a Tracer with a wide-bore mouthpiece.

Whale Shark

The whale shark is not a whale at all, but a shark that’s as big a whale, and about to set sail … Ahem. Another docile species, this spotty filter feeder makes friends easily. Not that we’re suggesting you should ever approach any wild animal, but if you see a whale shark you’ll probably notice a bottle of sweet menthol CoolMist attached to it like a remora. They enjoy smooth sailing.

These are just a few of the 400+ shark species in the world. We could mention more, but “we’re gonna need a bigger b***” (blog) to do that.

Enjoy Shark Week. Also, remember to stay safe out there! If you are attacked by a shark, and the odds of that are low, consider how you might feel if YOU couldn’t vape. Then punch the shark in the eye and swim like crazy.

Sharks can’t listen to streaming music either, but that didn’t stop us from making this killer playlist. Sink your teeth into this Shark Week preview now!

 

The opinions and other information contained in these blog posts and comments do not necessarily reflect the opinions or positions of Nicopure Labs LLC, owner of the Halo and Halo Cigs marks.

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